Introducing the KILLOW™
The Final Pillow for a Peaceful End
Tired of watching Grandma rattle on about the war… again?
Is Grandpa’s 3 a.m. snoring keeping the whole nursing home awake?
Say goodbye to endless nights and hello to eternal silence.
The KILLOW™ is the world’s first mercy-grade pillow engineered specifically for putting old people to sleep… permanently.
- Ultra-soft memory foam conforms perfectly to wrinkled faces
- Reinforced core for that extra “firm commitment”
- Hypoallergenic — no messy allergic reactions to ruin the moment
- Whisper-quiet operation (they’ll never hear it coming)
- Machine-washable cover — because accidents happen
Just one gentle, loving hug from you and the KILLOW™ does the rest. In minutes, they’ll drift off into the deepest, most restful sleep they’ve ever had. No more pills, no more fuss, no more “back in my day” stories.
Order now and get the limited-edition “Do Not Resuscitate” embroidered pillowcase absolutely free!
The KILLOW™ — Because sometimes love means never having to say “Are you awake again?”
Not FDA approved. Use at your own risk. Results may vary from peaceful to felony.
Available in Standard, King, and Body Bag sizes.
Call 1-800-BYE-NANA today. Sweet dreams are just one smother away
What Real Customers Are Saying
★★★★★ “I haven’t slept this well since 1997. Mom finally stopped asking where her teeth were. 10/10.” — Alana B., Mass
★★★★★ “Used it on my father-in-law during Thanksgiving. Best Black Friday deal I never paid for.” — Chad, Texas
★★★★★ “Grandma said she was ‘ready to go meet Jesus.’ The KILLOW™ just sped up the introduction.” — Ashley R., Ohio
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★★★★★ “Two pillows, one night — handled both grandparents at once. Saved a fortune on the double funeral plot.” — The Johnson Family, Arizona
★★★★★ “My inheritance cleared probate in record time. Highly recommend the King size for stubborn cases.” — Derek L., California
★★★★★ “The embroidered ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ pillowcase really ties the room together.” — Patricia S., assisted-living activities director
FAQ
(Frequently Asked Questions from people who definitely don’t work for the police)
Q: Is the KILLOW™ really guaranteed to put old people to sleep permanently?
A: 100% success rate in clinical trials* *Conducted on very cooperative volunteers who can no longer testify.
Q: Will it leave marks or bruises?
A: Only if you’re into that “hug too hard” look. For a cleaner finish, hold for a full 4–6 minutes and use the patented “Grandma’s Favorite Lullaby” technique (instructions included).
Q: What’s the difference between Standard, King, and Body Bag sizes?
A: Standard – average senior (up to 5’6”) King – for the “I was tall in my day” crowd or extra stubborn breathers Body Bag – includes matching waterproof liner and convenient carry handles.
Q: Is this legal in my state/country?
A: Absolutely! In the sense that skydiving without a parachute is also “legal.” We recommend consulting your local laws and/or a good lawyer who accepts payment in unmarked bills.
Q: Can I use it on my spouse instead?
A: Yes, but please note the KILLOW™ Spousal Edition with built-in life-insurance scanner will be released Q2 2026.
Q: My grandfather is on a ventilator. Will it still work?
A: The KILLOW™ Pro+ Healthcare Edition comes with reinforced seams and a complimentary tube-disconnect tool. Ask about our hospital bulk discount.
Q: What if they wake up halfway through?
A: Impossible. But just in case, every KILLOW™ ships with a free bonus chloroform-scented dryer sheet.
Q: Is it returnable?
A: 30-day satisfaction guarantee! If your elderly relative is still talking after 30 days, return the pillow for a full refund (or store credit toward the KILLOW™ Extreme).
Q: Can I pay in cash and have it shipped discreetly?
A: We only ship in unmarked Amazon boxes labeled “Throw Pillows & Grief Counseling Books.” Cash stuffed in birthday cards also accepted.
Q: Will this affect my inheritance?
A: Only positively.
Q: Do you offer gift wrapping?
A: Yes! Choose from “Get Well Soon,” “Thinking of You,” or “Happy Mother’s Day (From Your Favorite Grandchild).”
Still have questions? Call our 24/hr support line at 1-800-BYE-NANA (Operators are standing by and will not ask for your real name.)